when life hands you lemons, make sure it's really fruit and not balls hitting you in the face.
Whewwww it's been a while since I've been able to sit down and have a minute to keep you all posted on the happenings of my crazy life. it's almost been so crazy I haven't been able to put it all into one entry.. the last week or two may take a couple but i'll do my best to keep you in the lizzoop.
I've been working pretty diligently with Friend on her wedding. Which I'd just like to share was a lesbian wedding, on Friday the 13th, a week after a full moon, in a leap year... this girl is tryin to send me to hell in a beautifully knit handbasket. That being said I had the most fabulous time, even though I didn't get to wear a feather boa and nobody played "it's raining men".
The ceremony was like any other and it was nothing less than spectacular. it was beautiful, i cried like a baby the entire time. I met a very good lookin man who is the biggest goofball ever but i was totally into it. we danced all night and i shared some of my best dance moves with him.. then a very upbeat song (cant remember now because i went into "the zone") and I got into a very serious, painful at times, dance off with a very fabulous, flamboyant man. If he wasn't a spunky little nugget I don't know who is. That boy had me shaking it like I was on fire and he was willing to put me out. At one point he even laid me on the ground and shimmied over me but stopped ever so NOT gracefully on my face.. Easy cowgirl, we play for the same team! I tried to get up and get out but I just ended up slapping my entire face into his boy parts. I wasn't too embarrassed because people would forget about it.. until I was informed the videographer got the entire thing on camera. Then it was off to the gay bars-- BEST PLACE ON EARTH. I could not get enough, I never wanted it to end.. I was dancing like a diva and nobody said a word, I didnt get looked at weird and boys were complimenting my dress-- and meant it.
The next day I had to go to work so I shimmied out of my hotel room bright and early to bring the hotel roomies back to their vehicles, good timing because one was getting towed. Luckily he was able to get out of it because I was leavin him there, i could not be late for work.... even though I was anyways.
That night I decided I'd go out with with a friend I don't get to see nearly enough for a quiet night. Boys oh boys, was I wrong. Not only did one beer turn into, one beer every half hour but while we were sitting enjoying our ice cold beverages a blond approached us. She said hello, checked us out like she was reading our minds.. ordered three shots of Stoli Orange and laid them in front of us. As we took the shots (we didn't wanna be rude, now) she grabbed both my boobs, put her finger in my cleav and said "hmmmm". Now i'm not sure what that means for most people but it immediately became my facebook status. She went on and on about her past lovers (who just so happen to be our friends) so immediately I started texting each one of them statements of disappointment in their choices of sexual relations. She then asked about her weight, if we thought she was fat.. blah blah blah. She's a friggin stripper. she's not a fatty she's got some stuff goin on but she just wanted my friend to see her as nude as possible. She then asked if he'd like to put his D in her V. After barely being able to swallow THAT big nasty pill, I decided it was time to go. As we got up to leave she looked at us like a bewildered puppy would look at a little girl putting him down to follow her parents out of the pet store.. and asked if she could come with us. My friends man parts replied "yeah sure" so she followed. We quickly walked to another bar, I tried to stay a good stride or two ahead of them because she was super not interested in me being around anyways. we get to the next bar and she asks the bartender if he wants to play paper rock scissors. If she wins, she gets ketel one on the house.. if he wins "you get to $*#& me" WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS SACRED?! Then she turns to me "you really dont like me do you" I dont know what she was expecting but all I could reply was "At first, I didnt really mind.. now you make me really uncomfortable. so no. i'd say we weren't friends" but she didnt leave. I told her I was going outside on the porch for fresh air and my friend went to pee.. she said she'd meet me out there. It was in this moment I calculated a good 30 seconds I'd have to get away from her.. so I ran. my friend followed and we left her sitting in the bar alone.
call me a jerk if you want to. but i have a feeling she's not a stranger to that kind of instance. So we're walking back up a different street in hopes she never sees us again when I see a very familiar, yet very unexpected face in the crowd. He was down visiting from his homeland of Canadaland and he joined us in our adventures. After bar hopping, bachelorette party crashing and random conversations later we found ourselves at another establishment with an abundace of what seemed like single ladies. So I scoped some out and sent the boy on his way to meet girls. While I was sitting in the background waiting to hear how each conversation turned out I hear a loud bang at the window... stripper. she'd found us.. now she was gonna kill us.. I'm sure of it. She did the finger wave.. which is like jazz hands but sad and scary. So as she walked in the bar, I screamed "MAY DAY!! ABORT MISSION" to the boners with legs and ran again. She didn't seem to follow us this time, I think she got the hint that she made us all very uncomfortable. After wandering around for a bit more, It was time to go so we hopped in a cab and went back to our respective sleeping quarters.
I plugged my phone in, set my alarm for work in the morning becuse i knew I'd forget to even go if it didn't go off and put my phone down.. off to comadreamsleepland I went.
I woke up around 11, feeling refreshed and well slept. After all, I'd only gotten a couple hours of sleep in the last couple days and was feeling a bit rundown. The day was quiet, no phone calls, messages or facebook notifications..so naturally I checked to see if my phone was broken. yup. the friggin battery had come out so I missed my alarm, missed my shift, missed every text someone sent to wake me up and missed any chance of making money that day. UGH!!! Luckily, I'm not fired and didn't have to send a fruit basket to make up for it.
If that were the case. I could have just packed the two melons that were dropped on my face earlier that weekend.
