It's a beautiful thing when two friends can reconnect, chat and share a love or distaste for the same things. It's an even more beautiful thing to see, when one of those friends goes blind by the hands of the other.
I've seen alot of things this week (with both eyes) including a woman at my office washing her baby boy with a "dewty dewty wittle diwaper" in the bathroom sink, like we don't have a hose outside. I've seen a couple homeless people getting a fight, and one crazy man yelling at himself while on my way to make a deposit (into a bank you sicko). Never, did I see tonight coming. In addition to not seeing it coming, I can't see it now that it's gone.
I came home from work and made some pretty bad.ass.pork.chops. I didn't even mean to, actually. Truthfully, I'd taken the chops out to eat for a late dinner but ended up being too lazy so I threw them in a bag and put them in my fridge-- three days later I remembered it and tonight, I risked poisoning by ingesting it so the best of my stomach's abilities. After I finished dinner, I settled onto the couch with my crossword puzzle and phone in hand.
I texted a couple of my peeps to say hello and found myself making "let's have a glass of wine" plans with a pretty little birdy friend we shall call "the Crow". She caw'd on over and before she even got here I had two glasses balls deep in Delicious Red boxed wine- y'know.. the classy stuff. It felt good to catch up and listen to the stories of things we'd missed in each other's lives for the past month. It especially feels amazing to be able to pick up right where you left off with someone and that's how you know you've made a real friend. However, I've learned after tonight to err on the side of caution with errbody.
This little lady has recently moved to a part of town referred to as "effin, scary" and has since bought some pepperspray in order to assist in keeping her safe from car to home, in the dark. It sounds like a great idea, but I'm from the woods. I don't know about mace, or weaponry really-- we fight with words and our fists. Nothing else. However, in a city full of different people, different struggles and different motives you have to be ready to attack like Oprah Winfrey would a cupcake. Battle time.
Being as naive as I am, I asked to see the aerosol can that holds hell in it.. I've never seen such a thing. So she obliged. She allowed me to play with it and check it out. This is how that conversation went....
"So this is pepperspray? that's a small bottle!"
"yeah but if it sprays you right in the face it really kicks your ass""have you used it before??" (I asked like the Curious George I am)
"no.. i've never used anything like this.. i denno, i just have it in case..."""well, how do you know that it works?"
"well...i denno. just gonna spray it..."THIS is the point. where bad decision making came into play. First, we just sprayed it real quick to see what it smelled like, because we were curious... when that didn't satisfy our thirst for knowledge Crow asked me if she could spray my wrist (y'know, checking for physical pain on skin; etc) and I agreed. Took a straight shot to the wrist-- nothing. So we both stared at the brownish liquid running down my arm and I said "I don't think it's working, maybe I should try putting it on my eye" that would've been the perfect time for her to say (without smiling) "No Nichole, that's a bad idea... DON'T" but instead she said "hehe.. oohh. hehehehe. i denno if that's a good idea" all the while staring me dead in my eyes as if to say "effin righhhtttt, do it!!!!" SO. Being the protective and cautious friend I am.. I put my left forefinger on my wrist and ever so gently, dabbled my finger tip in the juice on my wrist and lifted it to my eye and pressed down on the corner. nothing. not a damn thing happened. WHAT?! that's crazy-- it doesnt make any sense. So I began to think this was crap mace and she got jipped on her costs, so I exclaim "I can't feel anything, prolly not working..." and hate to say it now, but she kinda looked disappointed too. So, I put my forefinger back to my wrist and took a little more juice and raised it back to my eye... but this time... I went like pocket Aces on a run... all in.
I can say whole hearted it felt like I was trying to birth a fiery devil from my left pupil. My entire body temperature rose a good ten degrees and my eye immediately shut down, like a bank on Christmas. Boom. vaulted. not going anywhere. I ran to the bathroom to flush it out, only problem with that is the fact I'm putting water in the two hands I have covered in pepperspray. So.. no flushing, only blinding.
My eye dilated and turned the craziest color green- I think my eyes turn green when I cry anyway but apparently they turn teal when they've been tased with liquid poison. My nose is running, I'm choking on the taste and my eye is quivering like our parents did when Madonna's "Like A Virgin" video aired for the first time. It's excruciating.
I finally flushed it out and as I'm standing over my kitchen sink trying to regain sight and balance she claims ever so innocently "i hate to do this, but I have to go..." If I hadn't hurt a man say that every time things got uncomfortable or I had tears falling from one or both of my eyes I'd say I was surprised- but alas, I am not. Crow left me and I've been sitting on my couch holding the swelling back with a wet paper towel and applying the pressure of overwhelming shame to it.
I think it's working... even my ego's deflated.
9.11.2012
African-I touch your butt?
You know you had a good night, when your throw up smells like Thanksgiving.
So. If you took all my favorite things and put them together it'd look alot like the booze cruise I attended, except DMX would be there and two UFC boys would be greased up and fighting over me. Since I can't have everything, this African Reggae/Hip Hop/Caucasianless Cruise I was on will suffice.
I'd been anxiously awaiting the arrival of a boat that would carry me around the harbor for three hours while I ingested copious amonts of any cheap draught beer they had readily available. Luckily, my two sidekicks Kitty and Sinny were available to partake in the horrible decision making I was already committed to.
We started around 3 o'clock, over at Kitty's Dad's house because for once we practiced safe and responsible behavior and got ourselves a designated driver. Sinny joined in and we all took part in guzzling Shipyard's Pumpkinheads till our skin started to resemble foliage. I just want to add how important Pumpkinhead is to welcoming fall, it's like the McRib of beers and I can't think of anything else I'd rather drink my Absolut Vanilla with. But I digress.. After Pumpkinhead was done we started the long journey toward's Allen's town. Where is that, you ask? It's in Coffe Brandy ville and it is seriously under populated. With the smell of liquid panty remover and butterflies in the air, we headed to the docks.
It was a "Blue and White" party to celebrate labor day, so naturally Kitty and I wore stunna shades and leapord print. Sinny looking fresh to not so death as always, just wore 80's sunnies and a blue button up. This is important because we've all never looked to "White" In our lives. You couldn't have made us any more cracker than we were walking into this boat.
I'd bought the tickets thinking we'd enjoy the music because it's hip hop, reggae and over all - music I love to dance to and sing along to. What I did not expect was that we would be the only girls there wearing pants and that we would be the only ones fully aware of our Caucasianness.
At first, Kitty and I were the only ones dancing, we may as well have put a target on our backs for attention because we seriously couldn't have stood out any more. However, after about 5 Coors Lights and after making friends with a ladies named Lucretia, Lucinda and La'Vaughn in the bathroom we started to blend it.. they took us in under their wings, if you will. Then the lights went out.. and all of a sudden my VH1 ass was in the middle of a BET Jungle. Never fear, because my ass was here. When in doubt, shake that thing like you're the next Beyonce and it creates a shield. Nobody can touch you. So I shimmy shimmy shake shook myself out of the abyss of the dance floor and exited to the front of the boat.
I'm not exactly sure how this next part of my evening even began but I explicitly recall singing "Wade In the Water" and ending it with "Say Praise to Jesus" then a lady touched my forehead and I threw myself to the deck. I dont know when I became a preacher but I delivered some pretty powerful messages. Including "Oh man, I'm gonna be sick" I was the vomitting Moses the way I got that crowd of people to part.
Finally, the boat ride ended and we headed into town. Next stop was a karaoke bar where I found it absolutely imperative that I channel Janis Joplin and got my Bobby McGee on and Meatloaf. Let me tell you, after that rendition there really wasn't any paradise by the dashboard lights.
Then we headed to a dancey place. All I'm going to say is I really truly thought I was like those hot girls in the music videos that 'get the guy' at the end. I'm dancing with this man and we're grooving along and having so much fun when I realize "hey i think he's pretty hot" and looked him directly in the eyes, locked in and said "ohhhh YEAHHHH" and plant one right on his face. NOPE! Not a good idea!!! Meanwhile, Kitty and Sinny are having a the time of their lives in the corner, I'm slowly ruining my own life one locked lip at a time.
I came to my senses and realized "oh snap, bad idea" and effectively ran off the dance floor into the shadows, in hopes of erasing that moment from my life (yet here I am solidifying that will never happen).
Now I can't even tell you how the night went after I ran into the darkness, but I can say I woke up on my own couch, with a stuffed animal and my underwear on backwards.
So. If you took all my favorite things and put them together it'd look alot like the booze cruise I attended, except DMX would be there and two UFC boys would be greased up and fighting over me. Since I can't have everything, this African Reggae/Hip Hop/Caucasianless Cruise I was on will suffice.
I'd been anxiously awaiting the arrival of a boat that would carry me around the harbor for three hours while I ingested copious amonts of any cheap draught beer they had readily available. Luckily, my two sidekicks Kitty and Sinny were available to partake in the horrible decision making I was already committed to.
We started around 3 o'clock, over at Kitty's Dad's house because for once we practiced safe and responsible behavior and got ourselves a designated driver. Sinny joined in and we all took part in guzzling Shipyard's Pumpkinheads till our skin started to resemble foliage. I just want to add how important Pumpkinhead is to welcoming fall, it's like the McRib of beers and I can't think of anything else I'd rather drink my Absolut Vanilla with. But I digress.. After Pumpkinhead was done we started the long journey toward's Allen's town. Where is that, you ask? It's in Coffe Brandy ville and it is seriously under populated. With the smell of liquid panty remover and butterflies in the air, we headed to the docks.
It was a "Blue and White" party to celebrate labor day, so naturally Kitty and I wore stunna shades and leapord print. Sinny looking fresh to not so death as always, just wore 80's sunnies and a blue button up. This is important because we've all never looked to "White" In our lives. You couldn't have made us any more cracker than we were walking into this boat.
I'd bought the tickets thinking we'd enjoy the music because it's hip hop, reggae and over all - music I love to dance to and sing along to. What I did not expect was that we would be the only girls there wearing pants and that we would be the only ones fully aware of our Caucasianness.
At first, Kitty and I were the only ones dancing, we may as well have put a target on our backs for attention because we seriously couldn't have stood out any more. However, after about 5 Coors Lights and after making friends with a ladies named Lucretia, Lucinda and La'Vaughn in the bathroom we started to blend it.. they took us in under their wings, if you will. Then the lights went out.. and all of a sudden my VH1 ass was in the middle of a BET Jungle. Never fear, because my ass was here. When in doubt, shake that thing like you're the next Beyonce and it creates a shield. Nobody can touch you. So I shimmy shimmy shake shook myself out of the abyss of the dance floor and exited to the front of the boat.
I'm not exactly sure how this next part of my evening even began but I explicitly recall singing "Wade In the Water" and ending it with "Say Praise to Jesus" then a lady touched my forehead and I threw myself to the deck. I dont know when I became a preacher but I delivered some pretty powerful messages. Including "Oh man, I'm gonna be sick" I was the vomitting Moses the way I got that crowd of people to part.
Finally, the boat ride ended and we headed into town. Next stop was a karaoke bar where I found it absolutely imperative that I channel Janis Joplin and got my Bobby McGee on and Meatloaf. Let me tell you, after that rendition there really wasn't any paradise by the dashboard lights.
Then we headed to a dancey place. All I'm going to say is I really truly thought I was like those hot girls in the music videos that 'get the guy' at the end. I'm dancing with this man and we're grooving along and having so much fun when I realize "hey i think he's pretty hot" and looked him directly in the eyes, locked in and said "ohhhh YEAHHHH" and plant one right on his face. NOPE! Not a good idea!!! Meanwhile, Kitty and Sinny are having a the time of their lives in the corner, I'm slowly ruining my own life one locked lip at a time.
I came to my senses and realized "oh snap, bad idea" and effectively ran off the dance floor into the shadows, in hopes of erasing that moment from my life (yet here I am solidifying that will never happen).
Now I can't even tell you how the night went after I ran into the darkness, but I can say I woke up on my own couch, with a stuffed animal and my underwear on backwards.
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