African-I touch your butt?

You know you had a good night, when your throw up smells like Thanksgiving.

So. If you took all my favorite things and put them together it'd look alot like the booze cruise I attended, except DMX would be there and two UFC boys would be greased up and fighting over me. Since I can't have everything, this African Reggae/Hip Hop/Caucasianless Cruise I was on will suffice.

I'd been anxiously awaiting the arrival of a boat that would carry me around the harbor for three hours while I ingested copious amonts of any cheap draught beer they had readily available. Luckily, my two sidekicks Kitty and Sinny were available to partake in the horrible decision making I was already committed to.

We started around 3 o'clock, over at Kitty's Dad's house because for once we practiced safe and responsible behavior and got ourselves a designated driver. Sinny joined in and we all took part in guzzling Shipyard's Pumpkinheads till our skin started to resemble foliage. I just want to add how important Pumpkinhead is to welcoming fall, it's like the McRib of beers and I can't think of anything else I'd rather drink my Absolut Vanilla with. But I digress.. After Pumpkinhead was done we started the long journey toward's Allen's town. Where is that, you ask? It's in Coffe Brandy ville and it is seriously under populated. With the smell of liquid panty remover and butterflies in the air, we headed to the docks.

It was a "Blue and White" party to celebrate labor day, so naturally Kitty and I wore stunna shades and leapord print. Sinny looking fresh to not so death as always, just wore 80's sunnies and a blue button up. This is important because we've all never looked to "White" In our lives. You couldn't have made us any more cracker than we were walking into this boat.

I'd bought the tickets thinking we'd enjoy the music because it's hip hop, reggae and over all - music I love to dance to and sing along to. What I did not expect was that we would be the only girls there wearing pants and that we would be the only ones fully aware of our Caucasianness.
At first, Kitty and I were the only ones dancing, we may as well have put a target on our backs for attention because we seriously couldn't have stood out any more. However, after about 5 Coors Lights and after making friends with a ladies named Lucretia, Lucinda and La'Vaughn in the bathroom we started to blend it.. they took us in under their wings, if you will. Then the lights went out.. and all of a sudden my VH1 ass was in the middle of a BET Jungle. Never fear, because my ass was here. When in doubt, shake that thing like you're the next Beyonce and it creates a shield. Nobody can touch you. So I shimmy shimmy shake shook myself out of the abyss of the dance floor and exited to the front of the boat.

I'm not exactly sure how this next part of my evening even began but I explicitly recall singing "Wade In the Water" and ending it with "Say Praise to Jesus" then a lady touched my forehead and I threw myself to the deck. I dont know when I became a preacher but I delivered some pretty powerful messages. Including "Oh man, I'm gonna be sick" I was the vomitting Moses the way I got that crowd of people to part.

Finally, the boat ride ended and we headed into town. Next stop was a karaoke bar where I found it absolutely imperative that I channel Janis Joplin and got my Bobby McGee on and Meatloaf. Let me tell you, after that rendition there really wasn't any paradise by the dashboard lights.

Then we headed to a dancey place. All I'm going to say is I really truly thought I was like those hot girls in the music videos that 'get the guy' at the end. I'm dancing with this man and we're grooving along and having so much fun when I realize "hey i think he's pretty hot" and looked him directly in the eyes, locked in and said "ohhhh YEAHHHH" and plant one right on his face. NOPE! Not a good idea!!! Meanwhile, Kitty and Sinny are having a the time of their lives in the corner, I'm slowly ruining my own life one locked lip at a time.
I came to my senses and realized "oh snap, bad idea" and effectively ran off the dance floor into the shadows, in hopes of erasing that moment from my life (yet here I am solidifying that will never happen).

Now I can't even tell you how the night went after I ran into the darkness, but I can say I woke up on my own couch, with a stuffed animal and my underwear on backwards.