If you've never been attacked by a stripper you have not lived.
The day was Saturday and it began like any other. I opened my eyes, took a deep breath and said in my best Pat Benetar voice "hit me with your best shot...." Little did I know this Saturday was going to round house kick me with a pointed stilleto right in my face.
I worked a double that day so towards the end of my shift and beginning of my night I was feeling amped, ready to go and had gotten my energy levels at a peak "party level". Anyone familiar with the act of binge drinking knows this entails a slight butterfly feeling, a little hop in your step and a little wiggle-in-your-tiggle, if you will. So I called the boys up and headed over to my favoritest world traveler's abode where he had his own visitor from Australia. They'd met overseas and this was the Aussie's first trip to Maine.. obbbbviously this means we had to show him a good time.
To begin the night the traveling man friend asked me if I'd like a painkiller. After replying "hugs not drugs" I realized he meant a mixed drink to which I quickly retracted my answer and said "hell to the yes". The main ingredient of this drink however was "PUSSER'S" and if I'd known at that moment this name was going to be the precursor to the most awkward thirty seconds of my existence I might've opted for a Heineken and not a stripper's Heiney.. kin.
The affects of said Pusser's was comporable to the movie "The Hangover". After those little bevvie's we headed into town where we hit every bar, every beer and hit on every person that walked by. We danced in the streets and had almost every DJ play a DMX song (naturally) before leaving the establishment. Then the clock struck one and this Cinderella didn't turn back into a lonely step daughter.. I straight up turned into one of the rats... a strip joint rat. Now, contrary to popular belief I do get uncomfortable and it's not just by children or people with ugly cry faces. It's also by strippers.
We walked into the establishment after a lovely Cabbie offered to take me home.. but not to my house. Fortunately, because of my anatomy I was able to enter the doors to my hell on earth for free... At first it wasn't that bad I was taking in the scenery and trying to get comfortable although it's very hard to ignore the smell of testosterone, desperation and stale booze wafting through the legs of the undoubtedly cracked out naked lady sliding down a pole, which I'd say is the Table of Elements version of Herpes. But I digress...
We find a spot in the back with three chairs. I take the one in the middle, with an Aussie on one side and a tan tan banjo man on the other. We're watching closely as the animal of a lady on stage twisted, turned and gyrated ever so not smoothly and eloquently when she spotted me. It was like something in her radar went off.. like she was wearing an ear piece and a man in a booth we can't spot smelled my naivety and sent her to prey on me.
She was dangling effortlessly when I looked up and ours eyes met. She then pointed her finger at me and said "ohhh you're not smiling!" To which I immediately responded by yelling "ohhhh me? nooo! I'm having a great time, keep working your thing please... please" but it was too late. She'd already put herself on cruise control for my lap.... I sat nervously as I watched her quickly shimmy down and crawl towards me. I was paralyzed with fear. She was like the creature from "The Grudge" only she was almost naked and the Grudge was pretty.. She extended her arms to reach for my legs. I dont know how she got my ankles because my feet were planted firmly on the ground but she had quite the grip. She grabbed each one of my ankle and began to pull me forward with a brute strength. I tried to fight her off but when I kicked back my leg hit something sharp and my initial reaction was to grab where it hurt. which only gave her more of my body to hold onto. She then put one arm on either side of me, put her face so close to mine and whispered "don't fight it"
Before I could tell her I was going to throw up if she touched me she dropped her head between my knees and threw hers up towards my ears. I don't know if the scream I let escape my body was that of fear, shock or disgust but it was loud and it was piercing. I pulled a muscle trying to pull my face back and threw my hands back as if I was doing a backstroke. I can tell you now if I had been in water, the Olympic team would've had NOTHING on me. She flipped herself back like an old magazine page and crawled back to her spot on the pole as everyone in the surrounding area clapped (probably had the clap) and hollered out to me. It was at that moment I googled "how to disinfect your entire body at once" and looked for a place to die.
I wish I behaved like the girl my mother tried to raise.
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