So I guess I should recap what this weekend entailed as some of the things I've seen have been forever burned into the back of my eyes.
It started out great, felt really motivated so I got my work out on, did the shake thing and kicked hypothetical ass. I picked up a cute, but very hungover boy and head to the beach with some friends where we lost a dog, found out how popular lesbians are and saw the world's most busted women make out with a man and finally ended the night by watching said woman dance on a pole... in public.... for free) Now, I don't want to sound catty but this woman was the female version of a horrific car accident wrapped in a Hawaiian print skirt that only covered everything below the bellybutton. Which would've been fine if she was as svelte and physically beautiful as her obviously blind boyfriend thought. But I digress... Sunday consisted of going back to the beach.. where we saw a couple sitting under a tent. Can we slow down here and all come to an agreement that bringing a god damn tent to a beach is NAHT okay. If you don't want to be in the sun you have some options. For instance you could stay indoors, you could tour a cave, maybe fall into the depths of the woman I was just mentioning, she looked like she had room for more-- really anything not outside will save you from it. So please, don't do it because without a doubt you will ruin someone else's day. Monday was great....lots of boys, booze, my bitches and bad decisions but all ended quite swell and if I could repeat it over and over I would.
And then today happened.
It's not one of those days where anything particular happened to cause me to wish I was allowed to hit people with my car, but I definitely had to make sure I had the brake on good when letting pedestrians through the cross walk. Again, let's pause together. For anyone out there who walks... pick up the speed. If a vehicle capable of running your ass down and out is stopping EVER SO KINDLY to let you pass, pick up the pace grandma and get those cheeks out of my damn way. It shouldn't take more than 10 seconds to cross a street. IF you are elderly and it does take between 10 and 20 seconds to cross the street-- you shouldn't be doing it alone anyway and therefore I should revert back to my being "The Reporter" and call somebody in Elder Services on you.... God knows you'd STILL be in the road by the time I was done.
Old people do the weirdest things.. I saw one blow a snot rocket today. LITERALLY. I was sitting on my back porch waiting for my next door neighbor to come out so I could stare uncomfortably while she talked to her sister (ya know, the usual) when this tall sweaty beast man came jogging by..fast enough to sweat, slow enough to judge. I could hear him swishing up past my house though, friggin wind suit gave him away, when the swishing slowed and I saw his hand reach up with enough form to say "hey world, we've done this before", to his nose and with one gasping breath that son of a bee sting pushed forth what could only be described by the sounds of gagging. Then he checked to make sure he didn't hit himself with it, picked his pace back up and kept going.
I wish he would've been crossing the street...
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