Usually someone only needs antibiotics after a wedding but not me. I did it backwards.
I love functions in the sticks. Now, I am beyond proud of where I come from and very proudly, matter of factly and adimantly state I will eventually move back to settle down; etc but holy cheese does it give me something to write about.
On Thursday morning I woke up in my city apartment (that makes me sound so posh) by the beach to the sound of the birds chirping in the sun, the cars passing by on the quaint quiet street until BAM something in my head EXPLODES and it was like pain volcano erupted its miserable angry pain lava into my ear drum. Was my imaginary brain tumor finally coming to life, or was the spider I've alwys imagined would eventually make its way into my brain finally found the coordinates to my frontal lobe? What was going on!? It just so happens that while my face was imploding I had to travel the six hours north to attend a wedding of a dear family friend. Knowing I can't miss this trip I decide to try to head up early and fight through this pain in my head side.
Not happenin-- I made it about two hours north before stopping at the bath salts capital of the East Coast to make an appearance in their living room, ahem, i'm sorry i meant the ER. After waiting two hours a Dr finally sees me and says "ohhh you're here for a sore throat?" A SORE THROAT? Only if I had been punched in the throat by Wolverine would I feel like that was a viable excuse to go to there. So I explained to her as politely as I could that no, in fact iw as not there for a stuffy nose or a swollen lymphnode.. that in fact I was amongst the drug infested hooligans because i had a renegade ear drum on acid, playing around in my face! It's not an instant after she takes the scope to my ear she says "ohhhh yeah, that's really bad. looks like it hurt.. how do you feel about vicodin?" How do I feel about Vicodin? About the same as I feel about a hot rich man wanting to touch my boobs, or about winning the lottery and not paying taxes on it. I feel the same way about vicodin at this point than I do about pepto bismol and DMX. Sidenote: for those of you who dont know. I've only taken Vicodin one other time and I had to fall off a two story porch-- allow me to correct myself. I didnt fall off the porch. I was connected to the porch as it collapsed off the building (but I didnt spill my drink)
After my detour for the night, I continued the trip home- high as a kite but feeling alllllllllright (because the nightmares the pills give me and the incessant itching of my nose and eyes). I got my hairs did, courtesy of my Madres and then ran up to get my dress on (the one that makes my butt put JLo's to shame) and head back into town for the Main Event.
It was beautiful. The ceremony was long but worth it, she was stunning and the groom was as handsome as ever. My family got to sit quite close to the front so we were able to see all of it and hear the vows- it was beautiful. Then it was time for communion and I liked this part because I got to go up first and then watch everyone else walk by. This is where I give my shout out to the DOUCHE in Jeans and T Shirt with the sunglasses on his head... If you can't find the time to at least unroll your sleeve to let your marlboro lights out of it you Grease-esque weirdo, for the bride.. at least do it for Jesus! Damn dude. you looked like a bum that fell asleep IN the church and woke up thinking it was the lunch line... its communion not a soup kitchen. Just an FYI I prayed for you, and then I damned your parents.
Onto the reception-- It was gorgeous, I loved the set up and everyone seemed to find a place (the bar line) very quickly, easily and everyone was having fun.
This was a great party. The DJ was amazing and did a great job making sure everyone had fun, everyone was involved. dancing and when it was time to grab the cake he let them know too. Apparently one girl took notes and tried to multi task however. At one point that song "to the right, to the left now y'all.. now stomp three times; etc" came on and because I can't follow directions I was always backwards to everyone else... at one point I'm facing the crowd and realizing one member of this flash mob is not only dancing her face off but stuffing her face off at the same time. she was chewing to the beat of the music-- that poor cake didnt stand a chance. I thought maybe it was just a quick bite and she'd put it down so I stepped back to watch and sho nuff, she ate through the whole song. Like she couldn't choose one thing or the other? I can't even take a sip of something while I dance I literally have to stop or go to turtle pace in order to get my beverage down the hatch before I start to shake my groove thing again. Meh to each his plate.. i mean own.
The rest of the night was relatively smooth and after my high wore off I realize- I'm friggin miserable. We went home with a platter of cheese and vienna sausage toes because high heels aren't cute after 6 hours of being in them. I wish there was spanx for feet so I'd always look like I had slender leg hands.. but any whoo. I'm very happy for the lovely couple and wish them many years of happiness, love and babies.
Now I've had my handfull of vitaminny and pain pilly goodness and it's off to night terrorville.
No comments:
Post a Comment